Where Did IT Go?: Understanding Sexual Desire Differences in Couples

Humans are unique in that they attach meaning to sexuality. We’ve seen that sexuality affects couples physically, emotionally, relationally, and psychologically.  If you work with couples, you’ve seen the painful conflicts that can develop when one partner just doesn’t want to have sex.  Most graduate programs—including mine—only offer one class on sexuality. That one class tries to cover as wide a range of information in the shortest amount of time possible. That’s largely been the experience for aspiring practitioners. It’s quite rare to find classes that adequately address how to work specifically with sexual desire discrepancy. This course primarily focuses on CIS Gender Male/Female couples. Generally, research has focused on relationships with a low desire female and high desire male dynamic. Therefore, much of the research presented in this course shares that perspective. As a clinician, you may find the  principles discussed may be used with any low desire gender when appropriate. We want to respect the needs of both the high-desire and the low-desire partner. We strive to help them come to a resolution that meets both partner's needs. I often ask my clients, “Do you want your partner to have sex more often? Or do you want them to be interested in having sex more often?” Doing it and being interested in it are two different things. Most of the time, my clients recognize that the high-desire partner isn’t looking for duty sex, but rather wants to feel wanted and desired. They want to connect emotionally, not just mechanically. If and when this lands them in your therapy room, having a deeper understanding of sexual desire discrepancy will help you offer them the best care possible.